A draft of how a loss of feelings of well being came about in the 1980's.

 

I FELT a loss of energy and enthusiasm and generally felt terrible and in fugue. 

WHEN

I experienced a plethora of work for no pay, no work or pay, or work situations combined with other unsettling occurences with housing rental unavailability or loss, then finishing my house and it turning out alright but external forces and occurrences turned it into a huge loss of 8 months of work, and all of my possessions and jewelry inventory and a hundred waxes and molds to make newly designed jewelry and the equipment to cast and finish them. I also lost all of the chattels owned and used by the Family. The new house was a nightmare of landscaping work and I had no possessions and no extra money when I worked at Mccallum Volvo driving to Victoria six days a week. 

Then I had to work on stopping the flooding directed into my new home by the terrible gang of neighbors from way up the road. There was also clay and mud everywhere, the ground cover plants (grasses and wildflowers and berries) were scooped up with the top soil when it was scraped up and trucked off. 

Next I had to work for nothing at my ex-wife's business or it would have failed right away instead of two years later. Then I was extorted by my wife while I paid her business financing debt and I had to support the family. I could not buy a newspaper. 

I think all that was a precursor to or enabler of the Fugue I was subjected to after my December 21 1986 motor vehicle crash and the denial of proper compensation which followed it as usual. The liable insurer said that I was "worthless". Thus there was no financial loss on my part for being injured. I felt severe anguish.                   

I TRIED AS HARD AS I COULD BUT I HAVE BASICALLY ALWAYS BEEN RIGHT ON THE RED LINE OF BROKE.

THE FAMILY MEMBERS TOOK A MILLION PLUS FROM ME PLUS PROPERTY. MY EX-WIFE IS WELL OFF AND SO ARE MY BROTHER AND SISTER. I OWN PROPERTY BUT I HAVE NO MONEY AND I AM ACTUALLY GOING INTO DEBT.

 

I WOULD HAVE ALL OF THIS MONEY IF MY INHERITANCES HAD NOT BEEN STOLEN. I WAS ALSO EXTORTED FOR MY PALTRY EARNINGS WITH FALSE DEBT I NEVER AGREED TO ASSUME. 

BULL CHIX AND DANGEROUS WIMPS.

I WROTE A FEW LITTLE PAMPHLETS IN THE LATE SEVENTIES. I WAS PROPHETIC. BULL CHIX AND DANGEROUS WIMPS HAVE FIGURED MIGHTILY IN THE DEFEAT OF ALL OF MY PROSPECTS.

 

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THERE ARE NO IMAGES OF MY FATHER

L.V. COLLARD, ANOTHER DANGEROUS WIMP WHO LET MOTHER DO TERRIBLE PHYSICAL AND FINANCIAL THINGS TO ME

BULL CHIX ARE DOMINANT, DECEITFUL, MANIPULATIVE SOCIOPATHS.

IT IS ABOUT MY COLLAPSE SYNDROME.

I AM NOT HATING ANYONE I CANNOT TOLERATE. I COLLAPSE. I CAN HAVE A CONVULSION. I GET INJURED.

I HAVE SPOKEN AND WRITTEN ABOUT HAVING MY HEAD PULLED BACK AND MY NECK WRENCHED TO THE RIGHT AND THEN BEING THROWN DOWN TO THE LEFT AND SOMETIMES I WAS JUMPED ON AND CRUSHED BREATHLESS BY MY MOTHER.

THERE WAS AND IS NO WAY TO RESIST AND I AM SUSCEPTIBLE TO COLLAPSE DOWN TO THE GROUND.

DURING THE PULL BACK PART OF MY MOTHER'S ATTACKS, THE SUPPORT OF MY HEELS WOULD BE OVERWHELMED AND TO THIS DAY IF I HAVE A FORCE EXERTED ON EITHER HEEL, IT WILL LET LOOSE UPWARDS PITCHING ME OFF BALANCE AND FORWARDS.

EITHER KNEE CAN FOLD AND DROP ME TO THE SIDE.  

WHEN I COLLAPSE IT IS INVOLUNTARY AND IRRESISTIBLE. NO ONE WILL BLAME THE PERPETRATORS. THEY BLAME ME.

THIS IS HOW I WOULD COLLAPSE WHICH MAY NOT SEEM TO BE THAT BAD BUT THE FOLDED KNEE, USUALLY ON MY LEFT, IS INJURED BADLY BY OVER EXTENSION TO FLAT DURING MY COLLAPSES. I CAN ALSO HAVE A SEIZURE, WITH MY BACK ARCHING AND MY CHEST LOCKING UP. MY JAW CAN CLENCH AND SOME TEETH CAN BE KNOCKED OUT FROM THAT OR FROM THE BOTTOMING OUT PART OF THE COLLAPSE.

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JUST BEING IN CONTACT WITH ANYONE WHO HAD ADVERSELY AFFECTED ME COULD CAUSE TONIC IMMOBILITY, OR STIFF PERSON SYNDROME OR SHELL SHOCK TO SET IN FOR WEEKS, MONTHS OR YEARS. VIRTUAL PARALYSIS RESULTS.

When you collapse, you may become unconscious for a short while, such as when you faint. You might fall to the ground and not respond to sounds or being shaken. You collapse when your brain isn't getting enough oxygen. When you're on the ground, it's easier for your heart to pump oxygen to your brain.  From "Health Direct". The lack of oxygen to the brain could be  Postural Hypo Tension, where blood pressure goes down when it should go up due to blood vessel constriction triggered when a person stands up.

I HAVE EXPERIENCED THE REVERSE ARCH SPASM, I HAVE WOKE UP WITH IT HAPPENING THERE CAN ALSO BE A TIGHT CHEST SPASM. YOU THINK YOU WILL DIE.

I HAVE AN AVERSION REGARDING GOING INTO DEFICIT BUT I ACTUALLY AM IN DEFICIT.

I AM NOT THAT MUCH IN SHORT TERM DEBT. I ALWAYS HAVE OWED A MILLION BUCKS ON THE ROCKCLIFFE BUT THAT IS DIFFERENT LONG TERM PROPERTY ACQUISITION DEBT. THE REASON THE ROCKCLIFFE MORTGAGE IS STILL A MILLION BUCKS IS BECAUSE THE COMPLEX'S RENTS PAID FOR THE THREE HOMES IN THE COMPLEX WHICH WERE PURCHASED TWENTY YEARS AGO.

THIS IS VERY GOOD FOR FUTURE DEVELOPMENT, I AM USUALLY JUST ABOVE THE RED LINE AND NOW I AM JUST A LITTLE BIT BELOW THE RED LINE.

THIS WAS THE MOMENT I HAD ALWAYS PREPARED FOR.

I AM NOT MAKING ANY MONEY, I PROBABLY OWE SHORT TERM MORE THAN I WILL EARN FOR SEVERAL MONTHS. I DO HAVE A MODEST TSFA BUT IT IS LOCKED IN UNTIL MARCH 27 2025.

I HAVE LIVED THROUGH THIS IN THE PAST AND I THINK I AM BETTER PREPARED TO DEAL WITH A "NO INCOME" YEAR THAN I EVER WAS IN THE PAST. 

WHAT HAS BROKE ME IS THE COST OF RENOVATIONS AND OF THE SHUTDOWN OF SUITES DURING RENOVATION.

HAD I BEEN ABLE TO ATTEND OFTEN AT THE ROCKLIFFE AND THE TWO HOUSES, I AM SURE I WOULD HAVE BEEN ABLE TO DO RENOVATIONS MORE QUICKLY.

THIS IS WHY I CAN NOT WORK AT MY BUSINESS, THE ROCKCLIFFE RENTALS.

NOVEMBER 2015, I COLLAPSED, ONE FLIP OF THE BACK IN THE HALLWAY, I WAS ALARMED WHEN I HEARD THE HALL VENTILATOR RATTLING.   I HEADED FOR MY CAR. THEN I HAD AN ENTIRE LEFT SIDE COLLAPSE AS I OPENED MY CAR DOOR, I ACCORDIONED MY LEFT KNEE, HIP AND RIBS. I HAD NOT RECOVERED IN FEBRUARY 2016 WHEN POLICE AND/OR BYLAW POUNDED ON MY DOOR AT OTTER POINT AND I SEVERELY COLLAPSED ON THE LEFT SIDE; IT HAPPENED AT LEAST TWICE MORE DURING EARLY 2016.

I KNOW I WOULD COLLAPSE IF I WENT TO THE ROCKCLIFFE AND IN THE PRESENCE OF MY BROTHER ANDREW, OF MY SISTER JOANNE, OF MY EX-WIFE OR PROBABLY ANY POLICE. I DROVE PAST THE ROCKCLIFFE ON THE WAY TO THE SENIOR'S CLINIC, IN JUNE OF 2021, AND I WENT INTO A CONVULSION SEATED IN MY CAR. I BECAME SPATIALLY DISORIENTED AND I COULD NOT FIND THE ENTRANCE TO THE PARKING LOT OF CHECKPOINT SENIOR'S CLINIC. I WAS LATE AND I MISSED MY APPOINTMENT.

I WAS COLLAPSED AND MY ARMS WERE NUMB; I HELD MYSELF UP ON MY ELBOWS TIL THEY WERE RAW, AS I DROVE BACK TO OTTER POINT. 

THAT IS WHY I CAN'T GO TO MY ROCKCLIFFE APARTMENTS OR SEE MY BROTHER OR SISTER, I WILL COLLAPSE.

THE HISTORY OF LEFT SIDE COLLAPSES WHICH BEGAN AGAIN IN 2001:  

IN 2001 I ARRIVED AT THE ROCKCLIFFE TO FIND TWELVE PERSONS FROM THE ALF TOONE COOP AND ATCO FENCING IN MY PARKING LOT FENCING MY LAND OFF FROM THE PARK BEHIND THE BUILDING. BECAUSE IT WAS ADJACENT TO THAT PARK I BOUGHT THE ROCKCLIFFE.

I GOT OUT OF MY CAR AND I COLLAPSED VIOLENTLY RIGHT DOWN MY LEFT LEG AND UP MY SIDE TO MY NECK. MY JAW SLAMMED SHUT BREAKING A TOOTH.

I HAVE COLLAPSED SIMILARLY MANY TIMES SINCE THEN. WHEN I WAS THROWN DOWN AS A CHILD I WAS PUSHED DOWN TO THE LEFT BY MY MOTHER SO MANY TIMES THAT THAT IS BUILT IN AS A DEFAULT POSITION. THE THROW DOWN HAD A PULL BACKWARDS AS PART OF IT AND MY HEELS WOULD LOSE THE CONNECTION TO MY CALVES AND MY FEET WOULD FOLD BACK.

ALL I HAVE TO DO IS PUT MY WEIGHT ON MY HEEL, NOT THE WHOLE FOOT, AND MY FOOT WOULD FOLD BACK AND I WOULD BE PITCHED FORWARD.

I HAVE TO BALANCE AND TEETER AND CLING TO RAILINGS AND FURNITURE JUST TO GET AROUND MY HOUSE. IT WOULD NOT TAKE MUCH FOR ME TO COLLAPSE IF I WAS STANDING

EVERY TIME I SUFFERED A LOSS OF WORK, POTENTIAL OR MONEY MY BOTTOM LINE WAS DIMINISHED AND THAT NEVER GOES AWAY.

I WOULD BE ADMONISHED, "THAT WAS THIRTY YEARS AGO" BUT THE LOWERING OF MY BOTTOM LINE TO ZERO DOLLARS REMAINS THERE, IT IS ALWAYS A LOWER STARTING POINT. 

WORSE, IS THE LOSS OF OPPORTUNITY. SIXTY YEARS AGO, WHEN I WAS EIGHTEEN I HAD A TEN TO FOURTEEN THOUSAND DOLLAR TRUST FROM MY PATERNAL GRANDFATHER. I WAS GOING TO PURCHASE AN ELEVEN ROOM HOTEL WITH A CAFETERIA/DANCE HALL AND A LOUNGE. I WOULD HAVE STARTED IN BUSINESS FROM THAT LUCRATIVE ENTERPRISE. I CERTAINLY WOULD NOT HAVE SUFFERED THE LIFELONG LACK OF DISPOSABLE INCOME I EXPERIENCED.

I HAD OVER A MILLION DOLLARS I WAS BEQUEATHED STOLEN FROM ME THIRTY AND FORTY YEARS AGO, I STILL THINK ABOUT THOSE LOSSES. THE DESTRUCTION OF THE EXPERIENCE THAT NOT HAVING MONEY TO INVEST IN PROJECTS CAUSED IS ANGUISHING. 

THE INTERFERENCE IN MY LIFE WHICH MY EX-WIFE CREATED DESTROYED MY MUSIC PROJECT TO OBTAIN TOP LEVEL  EMPLOYMENT AS A MUSICIAN. I WORKED FOR TWENTY FIVE YEARS AND I WAS BECOMING KNOWN AS A MUSICIAN. MY EX-WIFE, GONE FOR YEARS, EMPLOYED LAWYERS AND POLICE TO MAKE SURE I WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO LEAVE HOME. 

THERE WAS A CONCERTED EFFORT TO DISPOSSESS ME OF MY HOME BY SEIZING IT UNDER COLOR OF LAW.

NO ONE WOULD EVER HOUSE SIT FOR ME AFTER THE POLICE STARTED COMING IN NINETEEN NINETY TWO. I WOULD WORRY WHEN I LEFT THE HOUSE THAT ANOTHER SEIZURE WOULD BE ATTEMPTED, NOBODY WOULD BE HERE AND I WOULD NOT GET BACK INTO MY HOUSE AGAIN.

   

IN THE 1970'S I SPENT YEARS WHERE I MOSTLY HAD TO HANG AROUND NOT MOVING WHICH IS "VIRTUAL PARALYSIS".

I HAVE TO LAY IMMOBILE FOR LONG PERIODS OF TIME TO RECOVER FROM THE VIRTUAL PARALYSIS I EXPERIENCE. 

I REALIZED LATELY THAT I AM BEHIND ON MY NECESSARY CHORES AND I WILL TEND TO GET UP TOO SOON AS I GET OVER SHORT OR LONG TERM PARALYSIS WHICH PREVENTS RECOVERY FROM LASTING VERY LONG OR HAPPENING. 

Monday, April 8, 2019

COLLAPSE AND TONIC IMMOBILITY DEVELOPMENT

HOW DOES A SUSCEPTIBILITY DEVELOP TO SUFFER COLLAPSE IMMOBILITY AND TONIC IMMOBILITY?disablednotcompensated.blogspot.com

RECKLESS DOUBLES

IT WAS TERRIFYING TO BE DENIED BY GROUPS OF PERSONS WHO KEPT ME FROM KNOWING WHAT WAS GOING ON SO I COULD NOT SAVE MYSELF, MY PROPERTY OR MY PROSPECTS.

I HAVE EXPERIENCED SO MANY DENIALS OF BENEFITS, INHERITANCES AND SERVICES THAT I HAVE BEEN PERSONALLY IMPOVERISHED AND STUCK AT HOME FOR YEARS AT A TIME.

THE MOST TERRIBLE FEARFUL ASPECT OF MY DISENFRANCHISEMENT IS CAUSED BY THE DEPLOYING OF POLICE AGAINST ME AND THE ALIENATION FROM LAWYERS AND POLITICIANS CAUSED BY MY BEING RUTHLESSLY DEFAMED.

I HAVE NEVER HURT ANYONE NOR DESTROYED PROPERTY NOR EVEN TRESPASSED UPON ANYONE'S PROPERTY.

I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN ATTACKED OVER MY PROPERTY WHILE I WAS ON MY OWN PROPERTY OR HAD UNWARRANTED RAIDS ON ME WHILE I WAS ON MY OWN PROPERTY. I HAVE NEVER GONE TO NOR SENT POLICE TO ANYONE'S PROPERTY.

I HAVE DISCOVERED THAT IT IS LIKELY THAT I HAVE HAD A NUMBER OF ADDITIONAL MISHAPS CAUSED BY A NEUROLOGICAL DISEASE WHERE I THOUGHT I SLIPPED OR I WAS HAVING REVERSE ARCH BACK OR NECK SPASM.

I SAW A TELEVISION INTERVIEW WHERE THE SYMPTOMS REPORTED WERE SIMILAR TO MY SYMPTOMS. IT WAS REPORTED THAT STRESSFUL SITUATIONS WOULD CAUSE CONSTRICTION, SPASMS, WEAKNESS OR COLLAPSE. 

IT IS IT POSSIBLE MY DISABILITY WAS STARTED BY MY MOTHER BEATING ME AND THROWING ME DOWN. THOSE ASSAULTS MAY HAVE JUST BEEN TRIGGERS OF MY NEUROLOGICAL DISORDER BUT I THINK MY DISORDER MAY HAVE BEEN CAUSED BY INJURY WHEN I WAS HIT ON MY HEAD WITH BROOMS AND STEEL EDGED YARDSTICKS  (AND ON MY ARMS AND COLLAR BONES AND I WAS ALSO WHACKED ON MY SHOULDER BY MY FATHER WHEN HE WAS ORDERED TO HIT ME BY MY MOTHER). MOTHER ALSO WRENCHED ME OVER BACKWARDS AND DOWN BY TWISTING MY NECK TO THE RIGHT AND THEN LEFT AND COLLAPSE WAS THE ONLY ALLEVIATING RESPONSE WHICH WAS AVAILABLE TO ME. I WAS JUMPED ON BY MOTHER, WHERE COLLAPSE WAS THE ONLY POSSIBLE OUTCOME, AND I HAD BETTER BE DOWN OR MY INJURY WOULD BE WORSE

THIS KIND OF BAD BEHAVIOR AND THE KNOWLEDGE THAT PEOPLE WERE SUBORNING THIS BEHAVIOR REALLY SCREWS ME UP.

I HAVE DOCUMENTED MANY OF THE BAD EXPERIENCES I HAD IN MY DIARY, BUT IT WAS REPORTED THAT A FAILURE TO RECALL WHAT HAD HAPPENED IS ONE OF THE POST ATTACK SYMPTOMS. OFTEN I WAKE UP IN THE MORNING IN A SEVERE REVERSE ARCH SPASM. NIGHT EPILEPSY? I HAVE HAD EPISODES OF SUCH SEVERE CHEST CONSTRICTION THAT I COULD NOT BREATHE, I HAVE THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO DIE BEFORE I GOT AIR GOING. 

I HAVE HAD THE SYMPTOMS OF WHATEVER I HAD UNDER CONTROL UNTIL I WAS PUT IN A SITUATION WHERE I DID NOT HAVE CONTROL THEN THE SYMPTOMS WOULD BE SEVERE AND DEVASTATING. 

 

I MANAGED TO EVEN PERFORM LIVE ON HARMONICA AND TO DANCE ON STAGE AND TO BICYCLE AND ROLLERBLADE. ALL OF THESE PLEASURABLE AND HEALTHY AND POSSIBLY LUCRATIVE ACTIVITIES WOULD BECOME IMPOSSIBLE, USUALLY DUE TO BACK SPASM AND MY CHEST LOCKING UP. I COULD ALSO COLLAPSE OR CONVULSE, WHICH IS CONSISTENT WITH THE REPORTED SYMPTOMS OF OTHER PEOPLE. 

PEOPLE WHO KNEW ME AND COULD SEE WHAT HAPPENED TO ME WERE VERY CRUEL, DELIBERATELY CAUSING STRESS TO FORCE ME TO DO THINGS I DID NOT WANT TO DO. OTHER PEOPLE WHO WERE AWARE OF MY SITUATION BLAMED ME AND ISOLATED ME AND ABANDONED ME.

THOSE BEHAVIORS MADE MY SYMPTOMS GET WORSE AND CREATED DESPAIR.

I BECAME DISABLED AGAIN IN NINETEEN EIGHTY SIX WHILE I WAS MARRIED AND JUST AFTER I HAD WORKED AT MY EX-WIFE'S "MAJOR BUSINESS THAT (SHE USED "I") WAS THE OPERATOR OF" SIX DAYS A WEEK FOR NO PAY.

A CAR TURNING LEFT STRUCK MY CAR GOING STRAIGHT THROUGH AN INTER-SECTION AND PROPELLED MY CAR INTO A STEEL TELEPHONE POLE LIKE THIS.

This is a car similar to my restored 1970 Oldsmobile F85 that hit a wooden pole.

I HAVE RESEARCHED THE SYMPTOMS I EXPERIENCED AFTER MY NINETEEN EIGHTY SIX CAR CRASH AND I HAVE NOT FOUND A COMPREHENSIVE DIAGNOSIS. 

I HAD TO SLEEP EVERY FOUR HOURS FOR ABOUT FORTY MINUTES TO REMAIN ACTIVE. I COULD STAY UP LONGER IF I WAS JUST SITTING THERE NOT MOVING.

IN ADDITION I HAD DIFFICULTY WALKING OR STANDING UNSUPPORTED WITHOUT LEANING ON FURNITURE OR A FENCE OR HOLDING ON TO A RAILING.

I HAD ANOTHER PROBLEM I WAS NOT AWARE OF AS LOSS OF IDENTITY AND A LOSS OF ABILITY TO KNOW WHO WAS WHOM IN MY ANECDOTAL MEMORY PREVENTED ME FROM DISCERNING MY LOSS OF MEMORY. I REMEMBER THE DARK WET STREET IN VANCOUVER WHERE MY CAR WAS PROPELLED INTO A STEEL TELEPHONE POLE IN 1986, AND THEN REALLY NOT MUCH ELSE UNTIL THE 3RD  OF JANUARY 1990. AMNESIA CAUSED BY HEAD INJURY AND ALSO  MY EXHAUSTED AND HUMILIATED STATE THAT WAS CAUSED BY BEING UNPAID FOR OVER THREE YEARS WORK AND THEN FORCED TO PAY BACK MONEY MY MOTHER SUPPLIED TO MY WIFE TO START HER BUSINESS WHICH WAS STOLEN FROM MY TRUST FUND FROM MY PATERNAL GRANDFATHER IN 1964 TO START WITH. 

THEN IT WAS DECLARED THAT THE PAYBACK WOULD BE DIS-ACKNOWLEDGED AND IT WOULD BE KEPT AS INTEREST PAYMENTS AND I WOULD HAVE MONEY I INHERITED FROM MY UNCLE KEPT TO PAY NON-EXISTENT DEBT AND EXTREMELY HIGH INTEREST. 

IT JUST OCCURRED TO ME WOULD IT NOT BE MY WIFE'S RESPONSIBILITY TO TRY TO HELP ME RATHER THAN IMPLEMENT THE EXTORTION AND EXPLOITATION TO WHICH I WAS SUBJECTED.

MY WIFE WAS MENTALLY ILL. I DID NOT TRY TO GET RID OF HER OR SEND HER TO AN INSTITUTION. I PUT UP WITH IT AND I ALSO RESCUED PROPERTY AND FINANCES WHICH SHE HAD DAMAGED WITH HER EXCESS AND HER OBSESSIVE CONTROLLING COUNTERFACTUALISM.

THE RESENTFUL REDNECKS AT OTTER POINT STOLE AND DESTROYED EVERYTHING I WAS AND HAD. THEN WOMEN IN MY FAMILY AND WOMEN IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD NEAR MY ROCKCLIFFE APARTMENTS IN VICTORIA WAGED AN ECONOMIC WAR AND A WAR OF DEFAMATION AND FAKE 911 CALLS AGAINST ME. I LOST THE WAR BADLY.

 May 27, 2024

NOW THAT YOU WHO ATTACKED ME HAVE WON AND I HAVE BEEN FINANCIALLY AND PSYCHOLOGICALLY CRUSHED: WHAT'S UP?

THE FACT THAT I OWNED MY OWN HOME, WHICH I PURCHASED ON MY OWN, MADE MY OBJECTIONS TO LOSSES I HAD BEEN FORCED TO ENDURE WITHOUT A PROPER REMEDY SEEM TO BE NEUROTIC AND GREEDY WHEN I HAD SO MUCH, I STILL HAD MY HOUSE. EXCEPT THAT BY 2000, MY EX-WIFE AND MY MOTHER'S EXPLOITATION OF ME AND THEFT FROM ME LEFT ME WITH NO CASH AND MORE THAN $230,000 TAKEN FROM MY INHERITED MONEY.

WHEN I PURCHASED THE FIRST HOUSE ON THIS PROPERTY, BY SELLING MY JEWELRY MANUFACTURING BUSINESS, TO PAY HALF DOWN FOR THE UNFINISHED HOUSE AND THE LAND, I HAD FIGURED OUT HOW TO DO IT MOSTLY USING MYSELF AS LABOR AND SOME FAMILY DERIVED MONEY TO FINISH IT. THEN I WAS GOING TO SELL MY INVENTORY OF FINISHED JEWELRY TO PAY OFF THE THIRTY THOUSAND DOLLAR  MORTGAGE IN THE TAXATION YEAR AFTER THE ONE WHERE I SOLD MY BUSINESS. I ALSO HAD MY TERRIBLE CAR SALESMAN'S JOB SO I THOUGHT I COULD RENEW MY MORTGAGE.

WHAT I DID NOT REALIZE WAS THAT INTEREST RATES HAD GONE WAY UP. I DID NOT KNOW IT THEN, BUT IT WAS IMPERATIVE THAT I PAY OFF THE MORTGAGE AND THEN GET A BETTER JOB.

WHEN THE REDNECKS PILLAGED AND BURNT MY GOODS AND MY HOME I WOULD HAVE TO SPEND EVERYTHING I GOT FROM THE INSURANCE PLUS QUITE A LOT OF ADDITIONAL MONEY  TO BUILD ANOTHER HOUSE. I LOST ALL OF MY POSSESSIONS AND THERE WAS NO MONEY TO BUY MORE.

I HAD SUCCEEDED IN PRODUCING A NO MORTGAGE HOME BUT I HAD NO POSSESSIONS AND I HAD USED UP ANY POSSIBLE STARTING A BUSINESS MONEY MY AUNT OR MY UNCLE WOULD HAVE PROVIDED. THERE WAS A LOT OF WORK TO DO AT THE NEW HOUSE AND ON THE GROUNDS  AROUND IT. I WOULD HAVE TO QUIT DRIVING SIX DAYS A WEEK TO VICTORIA. I HAD NO IDEA WHEN I TOOK THE CAR SALES JOB THAT I WOULD WORK TIL 9:30 PM UP TO THREE NIGHTS PER WEEK AND WITH ONE SATURDAY PER MONTH OFF. I HAD TO QUIT.

AS I WORKED AWAY, WITHOUT PAY, HERE AT OTTER POINT I BEGAN TO HAVE THE RUNS AND EVEN TO VOMIT.

THEN MY EX-WIFE DEMANDED HER "MAJOR BUSINESS SHE OPERATED" AND I ENDED UP IN DEBT AND BACK TO SIX LONG DAYS AND DRIVING TO VICTORIA.

I BECAME TOTALLY FATIGUED AND I WORKED LIKE AN AUTOMATON. I WAS THE DEBTOR TO MY FAMILY AND THE UNPAID SLAVE OF MY WIFE AMD WITHOUT REALIZING IT HAPPENED I BECAME FINANCIALLY AND PSYCHOLOGICALLY CRUSHED.

THEN THERE WAS THE DECEMBER 21  1986 CAR CRASH AND I WAS EVEN MORE CRUSHED, INTO A STATE OF FUGUE. 

IN RETROSPECT, RETROSPECTING, I FEEL DEFEATED IN THE PURSUIT OF MY PROJECTS AND AIMS. I FEEL MORE CRUSHED THAN I EVER FELT. I HAVE PROPERTY: MY HOME WAS CONSTANTLY RAIDED, I FEEL CRUSHED, I DO NOT FEEL RELAXED. I INHERITED ENOUGH MONEY AT AGE 55, IN 2001 TO BUY THE ROCKCLIFFE APARTMENTS IN VICTORIA BUT THAT WAS MADE TO BE NO MORE THAN AN INVESTMENT. MY APARTMENT BUILDING WAS A SCENE WHERE THE ALF TOONE COOP WON IN 2001 FAKE 911, AND POLICE AND BY-LAW COOPERATING WITH THEM AND I HAVE BEEN DEFEATED AND CRUSHED EVER SINCE.